Tales from a Catholic Girl’s Life…

I am horrified by every single article I have read about what is happening in Israel this weekend, So as the good Irish Catholic that I am, I will turn the coverage to my favorite topic: Me. I am only half kidding but Pimm can write the educated take on everything- and maybe this story can make us laugh for a moment despite it all.

I grew up Catholic (blame my parents), and while I am one of the church’s harshest critics, I secretly do love the nostalgia of going to a great Roman Catholic Mass. I am a snob. I can tell you which order I prefer (it’s the Jesuits) but I grew up in the parish of St. Francis of Assisi, but Weston Connecticut at the time was basically like living in Siberia and there was one church so I don’t MIND Franciscans- and actually I accept all the orders- IF they burn incense.

Okay, so now that you know the background I want to tell the story of what happened this weekend- and again, it’s to take your mind off everything else I am going to publish. My boyfriend (and this detail is actually very important) and I were walking down Colfax Avenue around 7:30 in the morning to get breakfast at our favorite diner in Denver. For those who don’t know Denver, Colfax is basically like … I actually don’t know if there is a comparison- just, it’s not where you want your kids to learn how to ride a bike (if they fall, they have a high chance of falling on a used needle). Also the homeless population in Denver just rose 32% in the past year- and it’s a huge issue.

HOWEVER, as we were walking by the Catholic Basilica in Denver we heard a lot of screaming. It is a woman (who apparently works at the Basilica) tearing down a homeless woman’s make-shift cardboard home and screaming its Church property. She also kicked her in the face. Trevor and I actually couldn’t believe what we were seeing. It should also be noted that it was about 48 degrees- and we found out later a man had set up that shelter for her- SO SHE DIDNT FREEZE TO DEATH- also, as an Anthro major who knows a ton about Urban planning- she wasn’t on the Church’s property- she was across the street. Again, the details are important. I at first didn’t want to get involved, but Trevor (my boyfriend) is a better person than I am - so he went over and asked the Basilica employee to stop and calm down. Because I am polite, I won’t go in to detail about how rude she was to him. So, he asked me to stay with the woman hysterically crying (she had just been kicked in the face, and obviously was going through something) and he called 411 (the non- emergency contact for the police). So while I am giving this woman my coffee and trying to get her to calm down, Trevor is actually handling the logistics. This story now breaks in to 2 parts:

When the EMT and Cops do arrive, (I need to make clear that I have family members that are in the Police force, I almost always respect them) There had apparently been a shooting two blocks down at the McDonald’s. Again, you don’t want your kids to learn how to ride their bike on Colfax. But when the Officer came to get my statement, it took all my might to stay calm as he sighed and said ‘There was a shooting… and I am dealing with this’… YES, YOU ARE DOING YOUR GODDAMN JOB YOU CONDESCENDING D*CK… instead I said ‘I think this is rather important, so thank you for your service’ - I now question if I should’ve just said the first thing- but my eyes probably wouldn’t do well if pepper sprayed.

So anyway- They take our statements, they promise me they are going to find a place in a shelter for the woman…. And this is where the story gets good- this is where the Irish O’Neil comes out. I can’t let it go. In fact, I talk about it basically all morning to Trevor… To treat the homeless that way is completely unacceptable. That Basilica lady did not act how I know Catholics (allegedly) are supposed to behave. So WE must take action… So I do something I put off all the time- I go to Confession…

If you have never been to the Denver Basilica, honestly, it’s probably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen- extraordinary stain-glass and architecture. BUT, I had an issue and needed to speak to a priest. PRONTO. I did let two people go in front of me, because, I am after all a Catholic and they seemed to need it. BUT, when it was finally my turn I walked in there, guns blazing… and I all of a sudden was back at my ‘First Confession’ (its a thing you have to do as a Catholic when you are eight) Here is how it went:

Me: ‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned its been… ok, just add it to the redemption’ (you are supposed to tell the Priest how long it’s been since your last confession, but I was on business…I didn’t have time for this BS- I mean, I actually then had to have him add my insolence to the list)

Father: ‘So, you are funny’

Me: ‘I am actually not here to talk about me- I am here to talk about the disgrace to the Catholic Church I saw today’

We actually did have a long talk and he promised he would handle it- But then, I fell into the trap: You never talk about you.

Father: ‘Okay, So now about you- you said you are here with your boyfriend- how long have you been together’

Me: ‘About 2 years’

Father: ‘And are you living together?’

SHIZ, seriously, I saw where he was going with this

Me: ‘Um, well, technically yes- SIGH, yes, living in sin- but you know what? It was a whore who wiped Jesus’ face when he dropped the cross… so, let’s stop talking about me.’

Father: ‘It’s fine, you two will start coming to pre-marriage counseling- and I will recommend you live apart until the marriage. I mean, why take the cow’

Me: (literally not knowing what the proper response was); But, we … aren’t even…ok, fine…

So after having to recite the Act of Contrition and being absolved of all my sins I went back out into the pews to find Trevor…

Trevor: ‘Did you take care of it?’

Me: ‘Yes, he is going to handle the situation- but, Bad News: we are now engaged, going to pre-marriage counseling, and we can’t live together for a month’

Trevor: ‘This is the best outcome ever, you handled that situation and I get to go somewhere for a month- maybe Hawaii? or should I go somewhere with snow…’

• I do not feel like I won this at all